Conflicted

Lately, I’ve been seeing too much of you
Honestly, I’ve still got time to kill too
And I suppose I’ve nothing better to do
So let’s hash it out until we’re through
But even after I’ve come to hate
This person I can’t help but debate
I can’t escape, when my mirror shows your face
And your limits are bound to mine as if it were fate
One of us has to be wrong tonight
But that makes neither of us right
Neither I nor you have a clue, but still fight
And all it accomplishes is tearing apart our mind.

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/conflicted

Holiday Smear

This year
Holiday Cheer
Isn’t knocking at my door
As I gaze deep into a mirror
I realize how alone I am here
And I find myself longing for more

My dear
I fear
That we belong together
As this haze, a holiday smear
Easily forgotten because no one cares
Drags on without you, and leaves me sore.

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/holiday-smear

Lighthouse

Willing that it be broken
I’ll put my heart out there,
Or if you prefer, held dear
I’ll be your lighthouse on a pier
When you think I’ve all but disappeared
I will shine bright and sway your heart from it’s fear
I’ll not abandon my post at this dock
Come rain, snow, or shotgun slug
I’m not going to bail out on us
Even when the going gets rough
Which it most assuredly will
But still, my choice is mine to steel
my heart isn’t one you can steal
It’s given of my own appeal
And neither of us should reel
In our mind on what the other feels
At consequences of love’s burial
Should that be the hand we deal
I’m being realistic and that’s the deal
No two ways about it, though painful it’s real.

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/lighthouse

Fresh Rust and Peanut Butter

(My original attempt at a poem about peanut butter at my friends challenge. I decided it wasn’t about peanut butter at all after writing it and scrapped the idea to write something even more ridiculous when they added topics)

Holding on to our old memories
I hate myself for clinging
But I can’t help anything
I’m the rust holding
onto these wedding rings
The heart is no liar
And the past keeps no secrets
I’m like peanut butter
Stuck to the jar
And you give me no rest
Carrying your burdens around
As if your scars held no regret
It’s harder letting go
Than you could ever know
With all the cold in your soul
Deep enough to chill through your bones
And leave you numb to the pain
While I hold a lump in my throat

When you just don’t have the strength left
And your pride is a victim to theft
Aftermath of promises that failed to be kept
And as my words fall they ring true in Your chest
Carry around this piece of my heart so you never forget
And may the weight burden you for many years yet
To come pouring like the rain God let loose hiding the sun
When all I could do was sit and count the hours as I wept
Over you and the wounds still fresh.

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/fresh-rust-and-peanut-butter

Lonely

I open my eyes again this morning
Nothing special, yet again, same story
“Same old step out of bed it is…”
I think to myself stumbling toward the light switch
Click, and the world seemingly floods with glorious rays
And yet, I’ve seen it before, just another mundane Monday
I find myself by myself, a self filled existence all concerned about me
And how I wish I wasn’t awake to find myself by myself, ironically.
“It’d be great to have that something once over, even if only for a moment”
Yes, I’m selfishly thinking I want someone else I could be concerned with
Just so I can stop looking in the mirror and finding myself as I am
Criticizing, improving, doing what I think I should just because I can.
It’s getting old fast, being alone, sole company of my own pulse
Feels like distant memories, feeling the beat of another heart on my palm
Click, I don’t need to be up yet, no one to talk to. Sleep sounds plenty good to me.
As I lay dreaming something I won’t remember, I drown out the lonely.

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/lonely

I’m Not About To Sugar Coat It.

I’m tired, sleep deprived and not so enthusiastic
Too much caffeine lately, it leaves my stomach upset
To top it off, of everyone I’ve met
It seems like I’ve really not been the busiest
So I’ll push a little harder before I give it a rest
Because a slacker shouldn’t complain, no contest
But today’s really been stocking up the stress
I should blow off steam before I come to regret
Not giving out maybe just a little less
Of myself for this beautiful little mess
Referring to my job, relationships, and internship
Today just isn’t my favorite
And I’m not about to sugar coat it.

– It’s really difficult making things sound harsh when they’re really great. Yea, I’m tired and worn out a bit, some truth here and there, but I’m really enjoying life right now. I wrote this for someone that really likes the phrase in the title, so here you go and I hope you like it! I apologize for the poetry spam lately, I know it’s a bit much but please bear with me.

Happy Dagger

Oh, happy Dagger!
Held tightly in that hand of hers
Pierce the heart of her lover
Feel his pulse grow weaker and weaker
Then as she throws you away
Watch as she realizes her grave mistake
Murder, in cold-blood, you call this fate?
Bleeding out, he cries out “Please, stay!”
He loves her so very deeply
That she sees all the love seeping
Out of the wound on his chest
It seeps into her clothes, oh regret!
He sees what she’s done, “How dare you?”
As he tries to put pressure on the wound
He starts to grow cold, losing all this love
She feels the weight of this, it’s too much
She runs away from the scene she can’t face
Goes and takes Dagger in hand on her way
With disbelief on his face, “Oh, Happy Dagger”
He says as love runs dry, “You can have her…”

(Sorry for all the depressing poetry lately, can’t help it sometimes. I said before “I just left my heart on my sleeve and my pen wrote accordingly” (Stumbling), and right now things are still hard. I’ve just got to be transparent about things, honest with myself in what I write and for the sake of whoever this may relate to I must let it out so they know they’re not alone. There’s a process, and we’re getting there. Hopefully a bunch more positive poetry will be coming soon. ^_^; Hopefully.)

Inhuman

I don’t like being someone who sits by and watches life flow by,
unaffected by it’s tide and still alone with people by my side.
I’ve been that someone long enough, to the point I don’t know who I could once have been,
I struggle even just to be human.
It’s inhuman to not feel, not care, to not have emotion. With no fear of persecution,
but every fear of how people think and observe my manipulation(of myself),
because I’m simply becoming but a hollow illistration.

From the inside out it echoes, my cry to be not quite as empty as I feel I must be,
and all the while hoping no one finds out of my inactivity.
Inactivity of my soul, even if my spirit thrives,
for all of my emotions have run utterly dry.
I don’t feel hope, I don’t feel despair,
just emptiness staring into itself in a mirror.
I think no one understand but contradict myself by thinking,
everyone feels this way at some point in their core being.

I’m not alone, but I feel abandoned. Wait no, that’s not it,
I know I’m not abandoned, but whatever it is I feel it.
There must be more to this thing called life,
for if not then why would He have used it as the price.
The price for our redemption, to wash this blood off our hands.
To open the door ways to heal our lands.
He cared enough about us to pay the most that He could,
and if that’s true then what’s the most that I would?
Would I really start to live if it meant pain and strife?
Even still, knowing that by losing I would gain the right.
The right to be called a son of the King most high,
whose glory fills the temple and stretches to the ends of the sky.

In worlds I don’t know or could even fathom with imagination,
this King has showed Himself to be more than a halluciantion.
All for us He created the stars,
to guide us and amaze us when we have no answers.

Alright, I guess I need to stop just listening and watching.
It’s time for preparation.
Preparation for an unseen war with very real and visible casualties
and for a higher call that would demand myself from me.
Leaning only on His understanding is harder than floating on water,
but I’ll put my little faith in Him until mountains move asunder.
And the sky dives into the ocean
and the trumpet bangs louder than thunder.

Cheetah

A lion walked proudly and caught himself a glimpse
A glimpse that would make him miss
The sight of the woman he saw
“She must be a lioness, she has me in awe”
So he said as he chased her
Eventually he caught up, even though she tried to run faster and faster
She said she didn’t think he would like her and so she ran
But he pinned her, said “Oh, don’t be silly, I am a lion
after all, we were made to be, you must be crazy.”
To which she said “I guess we’ll have to see.”
They watched the Lion King, played Nala and Simba.
They held hands, kissed, and fell in love like “Timber!”.
Promises were made, and love was set on simmer
She got comfortable, they lasted the winter
And as the spring after came he wanted to marry her
Bent grass into a ring, for it was all he could afford
He proposed, she said yes, they had so much pride
In the relationship, knew it would last a long time
Then she looked in a mirror and started to second guess
Told him she felt like she couldn’t be herself, broke a promise
Told him there was another man
And that broke his heart into sand
He became fierce and acted as a hurt lion should
Which gave her the push that sent her to the woods
She played games bouncing between the two
Just to find out her paw never fit in either shoe
So she picked whatever made her happiest
Effectively proving she was no lioness.
She was in fact a cheetah that the lion had fell for
The difference being a lion has pride and good fur
The cheetah had spots and no one to look after her
She found herself lonely and found the other man
Thus, their new but wretched story began.

Optional.

I won’t give it a chance
Even if she comes back
Everything that happened
Wasn’t just happenstance
She intentionally did this
Intentionally planted the kiss
Intentionally gave up
Intentionally broke stuff
But I won’t let go of love
Because I said I won’t give up
And I meant it.
For real, all of it.
A year or two
Maybe if time changes you
I guarantee I’ll be waiting
But if you don’t come I won’t be chasing
Because I’ve done enough of that
So I’ll just sit back and relax
Read and write and take a good look at all the facts
Like Solomon, “It’s meaningless” without that
And character building, growth, change
My life starts to make sense again.
Love stories like this are optional
Because God gave a better one, removed all obstacles
He gave the very life of His Son
So I’ve got somewhere I can run.