Less than an apology…

Posted: April 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I know what I said in my last post. The next week I was questioning my resolve, intent on getting things done, I desired to be productive. But instead this blog collected dust on a shelf where I sat it as other things in life took precedence. I wrote only poems I couldn’t share that week, things I’m not yet wiling that people see knowing I’ve written it. I had nothing I could post without raising unwelcome opinions. The next week I had a son. My girlfriend went into labor, he was born February 13th at 10:17p, and my son, who has none of my genetics, has her eyes and her chin and her nose and it looks just as good on him as it does on her but in such a different way… My life suddenly filled with all the things I expected, but expected to handle better. To sum it up, even if you wanted a poem from me you weren’t going to get it because Sunday was one of two days a week I got to see my love and my son and as far as I’m concerned you can collect dust over in a corner somewhere, suddenly I have no time for you… And then life happens, things you don’t expect appear out of no where. I got sick, and because of health care reform I have no insurance. It stressed me out, and although I’m feeling mostly better now it still worries me. Still working on that, the application is in someone else’s hands, but I’m still left uninsured. Same week, my car overheated on the highway AFTER I took it to get looked at, it needed $1200 in repairs BEFORE it started overheating. The repairs it needs were unrelated to the reason it’s overheating. I didn’t get to see my son for 2 weeks because of that, thank God my brother didn’t need his car this month and… sorry, still working on those old habits. My car still hasn’t moved, I don’t have the money for it, and my brother is coming home from Taiwan at the end of the week. Somehow I’m still working 20 hour weeks because someone thought it was smart to make 30 hours full time last year. You can make anything look smart on paper, and I can blame a million people other than me for still holding this part-time job. Doesn’t mean it’s right. Ever feel like you’re fighting against yourself and losing to somebody else? That’s me lately, and my mom’s done a really good job of reminding me of it. Who can blame her? I’d probably do that too.

I would absolutely love to make a career of writing what I want to write and nothing I don’t. I would love to make it an obligation to share my opinions and emotions and thoughts. It feels like that’s 4 years of college and tens of thousands in debt away at best and still unrealistic. And here I’m still letting my blog collect dust. I would absolutely love to make a career of doing something creative, let’s not be picky about writing for a minute. But at best, I could probably manage that in 2 years with a four digit number in debt just in equipment only to possibly find out it’s not that easy to do and it doesn’t suit me. At the end of the day it’s about helping people and inspiring people and you know, the people this and that… That’s an interview away for full time if I just put the effort in. Right? I’d like to think so. Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough to find it, or maybe they aren’t advertising… None of the ones I see feel right to me, none of them catch my eye as something I’d want to do for money. You couldn’t pay me a dime to sell someone a car they shouldn’t buy, a hair product that wouldn’t better their life, an article of clothing they don’t need, or food that isn’t good. I won’t take your money in exchange for participating in your backwards office dance where everyone steps on everyone’s toes including their own most days. I won’t accept wages to be your grunt if I don’t know what cause we’re working for. I can’t seem to just let my heart settle for less, I’m struggling to find a job because I’m too picky about it when I know I shouldn’t be.

The bottom line is I don’t have the time to chase my dreams anymore, but all I can do is cling to them. I feel like a child most days, I can’t help but want to strive to do something I feel is worth living to do. Sometimes my imagination is skipping all the steps I’d have to take to get there. There isn’t going to be a perfect job waiting for me to find it, it’s waiting for me to earn it if it even exists. Honestly I don’t have the time to earn it because I have a family to think about now, and that’s a really new thought to me. Now I know why so many people give up their dreams to take care of their kids… You know how sad that is? Really sad. And we think Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy and zombies are entertainment, but look at all the walking dead this kind of situation has created! Hilarious, isn’t it? How’s that for entertainment? Jokes on us, I guess. That’s where I’m at for now… I really hope I can make the stuff from my previous post come to life soon, but right now I’m still trying to work out the kinks in this little bit of wreckage we call our twenties.

  1. marcielynns says:

    Your heart is designed for a calling that you have turned your back on. Your creativity and poetry is to be written for a different means. You dream is a dream you insist on waking yourself up out of just so you do not have to dream it. Your passion is gone because you are ignoring the flame that lights it. Your focus is difficult because you are choosing to focus on the wrong things.

    You don’t have to give up the quest. It’s just that at this point in your journey you are off the path in which your quest lies. Once you wander back to the path that is right, all these things that you speak of will be found, restored, and alive again.

    Your life is not your life, and yet you choose to make it yours. Your calling is not your calling, and yet you seem to think it is. Your poetry is not your poetry, and yet you think you write it. The dust that is settling is not settling on what you think it is. When you give back what is not yours, it will be yours again. When you give back the time that is not yours, you will have more of it. When you blow off the dust on the one thing that really is collecting dust, everything will be renewed and fresh again.

    The apology is not owed to a blog, it is owed to God. It’s all about a choice – a choice that only you can make.

  2. Linda Campbell says:

    How sad for you. I do not regret a day or one thing I gave up for, my husband, my kids or my grand-kids! But unlike you my priorities were #1 GOD, #2 family, and then anything else that GOD wanted me to do. God promises to take care of even the birds, what He does not promise is to bring the food to them and drop it in their nest! Get on your knees Ryan! Then get out and start to do something besides sitting in your room feeling sorry for yourself.
    How sad that your main worry is your blog. With ever thing else you are neglecting in life, your blog! Really! Praying for you…..Love you….Nan

  3. Linda Campbell says:

    1 Corinthians 2:2
    When you think about,or when you look at the cross, what do you see and think? What does it mean to you, or what should it mean?
    Do you realize what a price Christ paid for you? Do you realize what a debt we owe Christ? PEOPLE, WE ARE DEBTORS, AND THE DEBT IS OWED TO CHRIST! When you truly realize the price that was paid for YOUR redemption, you should be thankful, and want to live lives that are worthy of that redemption.
    It is not about how good you are, or if you attend church. You can never be good enough to repay the debt. But you should never stop trying! It is a gift, God gave us the most precious gift we will ever receive, the very best He had, His only begotten Son. Once you accept and realize the price that was paid to give you that gift, you have an obligation to live a life that honors that sacrifice.
    You need to read and learn as much as you can about the will of God. Do not let anything come between you and God. Focus on doing something productive with the life that Christ has redeemed for you! Christians, get to know the love of Christ! His love passes all knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.

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