Less than an apology…

Posted: April 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I know what I said in my last post. The next week I was questioning my resolve, intent on getting things done, I desired to be productive. But instead this blog collected dust on a shelf where I sat it as other things in life took precedence. I wrote only poems I couldn’t share that week, things I’m not yet wiling that people see knowing I’ve written it. I had nothing I could post without raising unwelcome opinions. The next week I had a son. My girlfriend went into labor, he was born February 13th at 10:17p, and my son, who has none of my genetics, has her eyes and her chin and her nose and it looks just as good on him as it does on her but in such a different way… My life suddenly filled with all the things I expected, but expected to handle better. To sum it up, even if you wanted a poem from me you weren’t going to get it because Sunday was one of two days a week I got to see my love and my son and as far as I’m concerned you can collect dust over in a corner somewhere, suddenly I have no time for you… And then life happens, things you don’t expect appear out of no where. I got sick, and because of health care reform I have no insurance. It stressed me out, and although I’m feeling mostly better now it still worries me. Still working on that, the application is in someone else’s hands, but I’m still left uninsured. Same week, my car overheated on the highway AFTER I took it to get looked at, it needed $1200 in repairs BEFORE it started overheating. The repairs it needs were unrelated to the reason it’s overheating. I didn’t get to see my son for 2 weeks because of that, thank God my brother didn’t need his car this month and… sorry, still working on those old habits. My car still hasn’t moved, I don’t have the money for it, and my brother is coming home from Taiwan at the end of the week. Somehow I’m still working 20 hour weeks because someone thought it was smart to make 30 hours full time last year. You can make anything look smart on paper, and I can blame a million people other than me for still holding this part-time job. Doesn’t mean it’s right. Ever feel like you’re fighting against yourself and losing to somebody else? That’s me lately, and my mom’s done a really good job of reminding me of it. Who can blame her? I’d probably do that too.

I would absolutely love to make a career of writing what I want to write and nothing I don’t. I would love to make it an obligation to share my opinions and emotions and thoughts. It feels like that’s 4 years of college and tens of thousands in debt away at best and still unrealistic. And here I’m still letting my blog collect dust. I would absolutely love to make a career of doing something creative, let’s not be picky about writing for a minute. But at best, I could probably manage that in 2 years with a four digit number in debt just in equipment only to possibly find out it’s not that easy to do and it doesn’t suit me. At the end of the day it’s about helping people and inspiring people and you know, the people this and that… That’s an interview away for full time if I just put the effort in. Right? I’d like to think so. Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough to find it, or maybe they aren’t advertising… None of the ones I see feel right to me, none of them catch my eye as something I’d want to do for money. You couldn’t pay me a dime to sell someone a car they shouldn’t buy, a hair product that wouldn’t better their life, an article of clothing they don’t need, or food that isn’t good. I won’t take your money in exchange for participating in your backwards office dance where everyone steps on everyone’s toes including their own most days. I won’t accept wages to be your grunt if I don’t know what cause we’re working for. I can’t seem to just let my heart settle for less, I’m struggling to find a job because I’m too picky about it when I know I shouldn’t be.

The bottom line is I don’t have the time to chase my dreams anymore, but all I can do is cling to them. I feel like a child most days, I can’t help but want to strive to do something I feel is worth living to do. Sometimes my imagination is skipping all the steps I’d have to take to get there. There isn’t going to be a perfect job waiting for me to find it, it’s waiting for me to earn it if it even exists. Honestly I don’t have the time to earn it because I have a family to think about now, and that’s a really new thought to me. Now I know why so many people give up their dreams to take care of their kids… You know how sad that is? Really sad. And we think Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy and zombies are entertainment, but look at all the walking dead this kind of situation has created! Hilarious, isn’t it? How’s that for entertainment? Jokes on us, I guess. That’s where I’m at for now… I really hope I can make the stuff from my previous post come to life soon, but right now I’m still trying to work out the kinks in this little bit of wreckage we call our twenties.

What’s coming right about now?

Posted: February 2, 2014 in Blog

Ok, so, let’s be real. I’ve been inactive for some time now on my blog. Life’s been busy and stuff, but as you can see I haven’t stopped writing poetry or anything. I’ve just not been posting it. For my subscribers, I am sorry for the poetry spam today, I hope you enjoy it as much as you hate it. I realize this probably isn’t the best way to do things, I’m planning to do releases on Sundays if not throughout the week. If you’re religious you can expect them to be here shortly after you get home from your weekly attendance, and if not then between noon and 2p they’ll be up. I’m making time for it now. Writing is important to me, it’s something I would really like to explore and enjoy more, and perhaps a career of. So here’s what is coming now…

1. There is a donation button! It’s on the left side bar, feel free to use it if you feel like supporting my writing. I have a job, I’m not asking for someone to pay my bills, but it is quite a confidence boost and if my poems have entertained you even remotely as much as a movie that you’d pay some undisclosed amount for… It’s now available for you to do so for my poems as well. 🙂

2. If you just can’t seem to understand the flow of a poem, I have good news! I will be making recordings and uploading them to be available to you. Starting from the most recent poems and going backwards, I will be adding the link to the bottom of the poem’s page. The spoken word versions of my poems will be linked through adfly, so even if you don’t care about the spoken version and you enjoyed the poem you can support me by going through the link. I promise, you won’t get anything on your computer but the sound of my voice (or a friend of mine voice acting for me) doing this and you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

3. YouTube, YouTube, YouTube! If a poem gets a bunch of likes and comments, I will be likely to make a video for it and post it on YouTube. 🙂 So please comment on and like poems you wish to see a video for.

4. If you want to see more of a certain type of content or a poem on a specific topic, please comment about it! I’d love to try my hand at it at least once. I’ve noticed that I get very few comments, and I’d like to have more constructive criticism as well as knowing what exactly you guys like/dislike about the poems. This is my way of growing myself as a writer, and I could really use your input to help me out!

As far as I can tell, I’m still young
You are too… Apparently you’re only 21 once.
But it happens 300 something days in a row,
I guess I don’t get it because I’m not old
The way I see it, I still have time
To make enough mistakes for a lifetime
But only just barely… I think…
And I’m not sure that would leave time to dream
Considering most wrinkles I’ve talked to
Have only managed one or at best two
And considering you have 300 something
When you’re 21 once, that’s intimidating.
I guess that’s why they hope we start now
So that maybe we get 3 under our belt?
Well, I guess that makes sense if you’re a wrinkle
But I’m still trying to figure it all out for now
I’ll only have a baby face and small problems
For a short while, they tell me, so I should enjoy them
(But the small problems are pretty big… I think…)
See, I think when you get old your eyes don’t see as well,
And it gets to the point that some problems may as well be invisible.
That doesn’t mean they aren’t there,
They just get left alone and start to pull out your hair
And weigh down your skin and wear out your smile
So my first dream is to have the best eyes around
And then I’ll have the time to dream
And I’ll still be young, or so it will seem.
But for now, we’re still young,
And I’ve heard we’ll only be 21 once.

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/were-still-young

Expectations force you to a narrow pass
On your left a mountain of resistance
On your right you find a valley of disappointments
And it’s hard to imagine it’s all hallucinations
The reality is that the mountain is one you can climb
You can in fact reach it’s greatest heights
By only taking one step at a time
Breaking the limitations of expectations on your mind
The next step to your right is also a joke
There is no cliff, no hell fire and smoke
We all make mistakes and eventually choke
It’s meant for a laugh as we press onward in hope
Don’t let expectations be your bondage
Just because they’re near doesn’t give them a right to homage
Although some may count it against you
Life is not the sum of your scores
Take your next step with no regrets
And break down the wall if there is no door.

What? Thought you could always expect a door?

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/expectations

Time to Write

Posted: February 2, 2014 in Other Poetry, Poetry
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I can’t seem to find the time to write,
When I spend a minute to listen
Then an hour to understand
When I spend eight to work
And a day to recuperate
Then a week doing the same
I call it going insane
Because for no reason whatsoever
I expect something to change
And when it doesn’t…
I don’t…
What a crazy thought
That I didn’t jot down
Faster than it could flee
And still… the page is empty…

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/time-to-write

I can’t explain myself,
not with words you want to hear
But I can’t reduce my self
To a man who holds nothing dear
It is a decision of character
Rather than of circumstance
I will love her better
And it has nothing to do with romance
I’d rather live filled with pains
Than fill my coming death with regret
When given these options
I’ll take the one you won’t soon forget
And I sure won’t forget it either
On this rough road I chose to travel
I close the door behind me as I enter
Eyes front, yelling back, “Turn the deadbolt!”

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/return-to-love

OCD

Posted: February 2, 2014 in Other Poetry, Poetry
Tags: , , , , , , ,

My OCD reminds me
That every line must rhyme
That words should not repeat
And should always be mine
The flow of all syllables
Has to meet strict review
And every poem needs the balls
To be edgy without sacrificing truth
My struggle is to be profound
While meeting all these needs
A poet becomes a slave to sound
When he embraces OCD

Spoken Word Download: http://adf.ly/5730942/ocd