I know what I said in my last post. The next week I was questioning my resolve, intent on getting things done, I desired to be productive. But instead this blog collected dust on a shelf where I sat it as other things in life took precedence. I wrote only poems I couldn’t share that week, things I’m not yet wiling that people see knowing I’ve written it. I had nothing I could post without raising unwelcome opinions. The next week I had a son. My girlfriend went into labor, he was born February 13th at 10:17p, and my son, who has none of my genetics, has her eyes and her chin and her nose and it looks just as good on him as it does on her but in such a different way… My life suddenly filled with all the things I expected, but expected to handle better. To sum it up, even if you wanted a poem from me you weren’t going to get it because Sunday was one of two days a week I got to see my love and my son and as far as I’m concerned you can collect dust over in a corner somewhere, suddenly I have no time for you… And then life happens, things you don’t expect appear out of no where. I got sick, and because of health care reform I have no insurance. It stressed me out, and although I’m feeling mostly better now it still worries me. Still working on that, the application is in someone else’s hands, but I’m still left uninsured. Same week, my car overheated on the highway AFTER I took it to get looked at, it needed $1200 in repairs BEFORE it started overheating. The repairs it needs were unrelated to the reason it’s overheating. I didn’t get to see my son for 2 weeks because of that, thank God my brother didn’t need his car this month and… sorry, still working on those old habits. My car still hasn’t moved, I don’t have the money for it, and my brother is coming home from Taiwan at the end of the week. Somehow I’m still working 20 hour weeks because someone thought it was smart to make 30 hours full time last year. You can make anything look smart on paper, and I can blame a million people other than me for still holding this part-time job. Doesn’t mean it’s right. Ever feel like you’re fighting against yourself and losing to somebody else? That’s me lately, and my mom’s done a really good job of reminding me of it. Who can blame her? I’d probably do that too.
I would absolutely love to make a career of writing what I want to write and nothing I don’t. I would love to make it an obligation to share my opinions and emotions and thoughts. It feels like that’s 4 years of college and tens of thousands in debt away at best and still unrealistic. And here I’m still letting my blog collect dust. I would absolutely love to make a career of doing something creative, let’s not be picky about writing for a minute. But at best, I could probably manage that in 2 years with a four digit number in debt just in equipment only to possibly find out it’s not that easy to do and it doesn’t suit me. At the end of the day it’s about helping people and inspiring people and you know, the people this and that… That’s an interview away for full time if I just put the effort in. Right? I’d like to think so. Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough to find it, or maybe they aren’t advertising… None of the ones I see feel right to me, none of them catch my eye as something I’d want to do for money. You couldn’t pay me a dime to sell someone a car they shouldn’t buy, a hair product that wouldn’t better their life, an article of clothing they don’t need, or food that isn’t good. I won’t take your money in exchange for participating in your backwards office dance where everyone steps on everyone’s toes including their own most days. I won’t accept wages to be your grunt if I don’t know what cause we’re working for. I can’t seem to just let my heart settle for less, I’m struggling to find a job because I’m too picky about it when I know I shouldn’t be.
The bottom line is I don’t have the time to chase my dreams anymore, but all I can do is cling to them. I feel like a child most days, I can’t help but want to strive to do something I feel is worth living to do. Sometimes my imagination is skipping all the steps I’d have to take to get there. There isn’t going to be a perfect job waiting for me to find it, it’s waiting for me to earn it if it even exists. Honestly I don’t have the time to earn it because I have a family to think about now, and that’s a really new thought to me. Now I know why so many people give up their dreams to take care of their kids… You know how sad that is? Really sad. And we think Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy and zombies are entertainment, but look at all the walking dead this kind of situation has created! Hilarious, isn’t it? How’s that for entertainment? Jokes on us, I guess. That’s where I’m at for now… I really hope I can make the stuff from my previous post come to life soon, but right now I’m still trying to work out the kinks in this little bit of wreckage we call our twenties.
Seishinryoku 